Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
