bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
