Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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