Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
