I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Someone came in the potted fern
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
