i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After tacos, we're chasing women.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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