my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
