no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
