Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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