I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
