Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize