I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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