Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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