It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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