He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
