Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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