You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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