he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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