i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
