That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
