I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
