Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
