Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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