I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
