is your mom at the bar?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
