Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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