I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
