This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
