I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
