Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
