In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
