first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
