While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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