u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
