when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
