Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize