You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
