Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
