I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
