Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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