i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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