sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
