I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The feeling are messing with the penis
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
