My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
