I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize