I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
