i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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