I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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