i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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