Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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