I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
