I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
