New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
