you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
