My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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