I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I need to calm my uterus...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
