Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
