Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
