i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
