how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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