sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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