Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
